


Vanilla

by Townycod13



Category: South Park
Genre: F/F, M/M, kenny has a very bad day, lol this is completely random bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 12:21:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13570491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Townycod13/pseuds/Townycod13
Summary: Kenny learns the hard way that girls have a libido too.





	Vanilla

There are scenarios that individuals are particularly weak to. A singular situation that would leave them so struck for words as horror filled every pore of their being. On occasion, a person might correctly assess what that situation is, but often its the level to which they were unprepared for it that causes the maximum amount of trauma.

Some situations were complicated and pushed the boundaries of realistic, others were simple and easy to see coming.

It didn't matter when they hit a person like a train though. All that mattered was the knowledge that there wasn't a single way to respond because the shock of situations such as this tended to turn off all regular thought processes.

"Hmmm... I'm more of an ass person myself, but I can understand the preoccupation with boobs. They are kind of awesome."

There, on his bed, casual as anything and surrounded by Kenny's rather extensive and creative porn stash, was his darling _baby_ teenage sister, perusing the pages like they were any normal magazine. She paused her page turning to listen to a comment from the other side of the phone connection.

"I know right? Okay, you make a valid point. Boobs _can_ be more entertaining if utilized properly."

He wasn't hearing this. What was he hearing. _What was he hearing_?

She laughed, "Oh my god, we _have_ to try that next time."

 _Next time_?! What next time? And next time for what?!

"Geez, Kenny's collection is so _basic_ , even the gay stuff is just kinda vanilla."

...was she insulting his _porn selection_? He was _not_ vanilla. He'd never felt more insulted in his entire life.

"Well, I mean, it's just got all the usual suspects, ya know? Like, oh, that guys sucking a dick! Big whoop, where's the double penetration? Or like, oh wow, how scandalous! That chick is taking it up the up the butt! Not even a smidgen creative. Seriously, come on, what are we? Grade-schoolers?"

Okay, he took it back, _now_ he'd never felt more insulted in his life. Or nauseas. He didn't think he'd ever be able to look at another porn in his lifetime without remembering this moment.

He had to be dreaming. This was some sick nightmare. Or maybe he'd died without his notice and Satan was just finally getting creative with hell?

"Ohhh, shit, my bros here. Catch you later, love ya babe."

That snapped Kenny back to the present. His head was spinning. He could barely register the sight of Karen still sitting on his bed, now looking just a little guilty and giving him an awkward smile.

" _Heeey_ bro... thought you were at the Broflovski's for the night..." she put down a magazine with some level of shame, "Sorry I went into your room and everything, I just, um... so, long story."

If there were words in the universe to describe how Kenny felt in this moment and how to express them, he had not been awake in the lesson that would impart them on him.

He remained frozen in place, vaguely nauseas as all the implications of the conversation he'd just overheard washed over him.

Who was Karen on the phone with? What kind of porn did his _baby_ sister look at that she found _his_ selection vanilla? Why was this happening? Who was he? Who was the creep the creep that Karen had called 'babe'?!

It was too much. He had no words.

"You okay, bro?"

He opened his mouth and decided there was only one possible response.

With a long, horrified, and loud wail, he turned on his tail and ran sobbing all the way back to the Broflovski residence.

"Wait, Kenny!"

\--

Kyle didn't know what he did to deserve this situation. One minute he's planning an awesome game night with one of his best bros, who went back home to grab something he forgot, the next the boy in question barreled through his front door sobbing and grabbing the front of his shirt.

"Woah, Kenny, what the fuck? Are you okay?"

"Sh-she--!!" he barely managed that before returning his energy to another ear-splitting wail.

Kyle supposed he should at least be grateful his parents were out for the evening. Ike was upstairs though, but the kid was usually cool about Kyle's crazy friends.

Speaking of younger siblings...

"Wait, Kenny! I can explain!"

Another McCormick burst through the front door with equal speed, no mind to the damage they were both probably doing to his family's home. Kenny clung tighter to Kyle in response to the voice and hid his face with soul-shattered sobs.

What the actual fuck.

"I'm sorry about what I said, I didn't mean it, I was just shit-talking with my-- _anyway I didn't mean it_. Kenny, come on, calm down."

The words only seemed to have the opposite effect. Kenny was now all but curled into an extension of Kyle's chest. Like a giant blond sobbing wart.

" _You--_ " Kenny managed, "Go awaaaaaayyyyyy...!" the whine was so pitiful Kyle almost felt bad for the guy.

"Look, it's not that blow jobs are bad, it's just like... they've been done, okay?"

WHAT.

Kyle was now _excessively_ grateful his mother wasn't here.

He looked at both McCormicks, one apologetic, babbling, and a bit panicked, and the other one completely broken.

"Okay, what the actual fuck happened?"

Kenny sobbed some more.

Karen looked uncomfortable.

Ike peeked downstairs.

Kyle had enough bullshit.

"That's it!" his voice rose to the pitch he was uncomfortably aware he'd inherited from his mother and pointed at the couch while attempting to detangle Kenny. "Everyone on the couch _now_. I want an explanation. What the fuck just happened. Why is Kenny crying?"

\--

Kyle's dumb friends were hilarious when they weren't being assholes. Ike wanted popcorn.

The older McCormick had refused to detach himself, something muttered to the degree of the world being a horrible and terrifying place, and now his brother was attempting to give the two of them a stern lecture with one of them leached on.

It was kinda awesome.

"Okay, I think I get the gist of the situation," Kyle sounded a bit dead inside, "Karen, it wasn't cool of you to sneak into Kenny's room like that and--" he looked mildly disturbed, but it was anyone's guess which reason why, "Shit-talk Kenny's porn to your..."

"Girlfriend." Karen provided, looking a little less uncomfortable but still sending her brother concerned looks.

"Right. So please refrain from doing that in the future. And Kenny, I know it's disturbing to know your younger sibling is... interested in those things, but it's only natural."

Ike wanted _desperately_ to have this recorded and throw it past Kyle's dumb head. Only a few months earlier he'd gotten a 'talk' that had been entirely in the hopes of dissuading Ike's interests. Focusing on all the worst aspects, gross things, and the stuff that could go wrong.

Kyle could be such a damn hypocrite sometimes.

"Sh--she said my porn was _vanilla_!"

Kyle shrugged, like he didn't see the problem, "Nothing wrong with vanilla stuff."

Kenny face was suddenly face to face with the other boy, eyes intense as if the next words he uttered would be of world shaking importance, "My porn is not _vanilla_!"

"Yeah, boob squeezing orgasms are _totally_ kinky." Karen snorted from her side of the couch and Kenny's attention was instantly on her. Kyle looked like he wanted to be done with this.

"What is your issue with boobs?!" Kenny countered with unhappiness, "You-your girlfriend has boobs--probably-- _also since when are you dating_?!"

Karen rolled her eyes, "I don't _mind_ boobs, it's just not even the most interesting thing you could _do_ with boobs! It's just boob squeeze, massage, maybe a suck, and then bam. I mean come _on_ , where are the sex toys? What about lactation play? Hell, I've seen tentacle porn more interesting."

Kyle looked almost as traumatized as Kenny. Ike was just surprised neither of them knew about the younger McCormicks potty mouth. Neither that or her girlfriend were much of a secret at school.

" _Karen_!" Kenny sounded scandalized, "Where did you learn these things?! Is it--is it that girlfriend of yours?! Is it the TV? _Where is my sweet baby girl, what happened to heeeerrrrr---?_ " the last bit came out as more of a sob.

"Oh, come on bro. I'm sixteen years old. Like you didn't know this shit at my age," she paused, "Well, considering your selection, maybe you didn't?"

Kyle looked like he wanted to escape but Kenny still had him in a death grip, "How dare you, are you suggesting I--I'm _naive_?"

She shrugged, "Well, maybe if you spent more time getting some instead of using ratty old magazines, you could get with the times, Grandpa."

Ike kinda wanted to high-five her.

Kenny gasped, hurt on his face, "I get _plenty_ thank you!"

" _Really_?! Because last I checked you were on some weirdass abstinence kick over some damn boy."

"Hey! Just because I'm committing myself to one person--"

"--doesn't count as commitment if he doesn't know you exist." Karen cut him off.

"That's below the belt! Who is teaching you to act like this?! You've never rebelled like this before!"

"Well, _maybe_ if you were reacting like a _normal_ human being to this, I wouldn't have to lose my temper! And stop trying to blame this on someone else." she glared, "Tricia has _nothing_ to do with my current attitude so stop trying to insinuate it's her fault."

"Tricia? _Tricia Tucker_?! No, Karen, I forbid it! I don't wanna be related to _Craig_!"

" _Oh my god, Kenny_! I knew you'd react this way! We're just dating, _god_!"

" _It's not just dating when you're talking about weird boob tricks to do with her_!" Kenny cried, hiding his face in Kyle's chest.

"Again, Kenny. Pot. Kettle. Black." she snorted, "How old do you think I am, anyway?"

" _You're a baby_!" he cried.

That seemed to hit the last nerve in the girl and Ike winced. He'd witnessed her temper at school before. Kenny was lucky he was her precious older brother, this could get messy otherwise.

" _Fine_. I give up trying to make up with you! Keep crying in your damn boyfriends chest! _I'm_ going to actually go _get some_."

And she stormed out of the house, slamming the poor door so loudly the house shook.

Ike whistled, " _Damn_ , that could have gone better."

"Ike, please just go to your room." Kyle sounded tired, Kenny was now clinging to him with renewed vigor.

Ike could make out little things like 'i cant believe she said that' and 'is this hell??'.

He decided to take a note from Karen's playbook and be a little shit, only because Kyle was too stuck to catch him as he escaped, "Only because I'm sure you want to be alone with your _boyfriend_."

"Shut it, Ike. You know it's not like that."

Kenny hiccupped.

Ike shrugged and made his escape, throwing a sarcastic 'sure' over his shoulder.

\--

"You okay, Kenny? Look, I'm sure she didn't mean it. She's just at a delicate age."

" _What part of that was delicate_...?!"

"Okay, it wasn't delicate, but she has a bit of temper. You already knew that."

"She's--she's never turned it on _me_ before."

A long sigh, "Are you just going to keep whining and feeling bad about yourself all day? You're only proving her right."

"You--you think I'm _vanilla_ too?!" he sounded so betrayed.

"Goddamnit, Kenny, you know what I mean. She was mad at you for being a wuss and looking at porn instead of living your life. I don't disagree. You have a tendency to hide from problems with distractions." a sigh, "Who's this boy you like? Maybe we can find a way to get you two together and then Karen will have to eat her words."

Kenny moaned miserably.

"That's not possible. I'm not his type. I'm also me."

"See, it's that kind of negativity that is causing this problem. You just need some confidence in yourself, you're an awesome person."

"No, what's causing the problem is Karen makin--looking at--talking to--being really, really mean okay!"

Kyle groaned, "We've been over this, it's only natural that a girl her age might be... interested in those things."

"Nope. She's supposed to remain a pure angel forever and never, ever, _ever_ date. Especially not with Tricia Tucker."

"Well, who _would_ be acceptable for her to date?"

"No one. Absolutely no one is good enough for my baby. And I don't want in laws that flip everyone off all the time either."

"...is the reason you're so opposed to Tricia because Craig's the boy you like?" the voice was stiff.

Kenny blanched, "God, no! For starters, Tweek would literally kill me. Kid's fucking scary. And secondly, ew, Craig."

Kyle sighed a third time, "Well if it's not Craig, who is it?"

"...why do you care, it's dumb, I'm dumb, and he doesn't like me anyway."

Kyle pet his hair gently, indulging the blonds continued pouting fit, "Look, I'm just trying to help. And have you told him how you feel? How can you know for sure if you don't talk to him?"

"...you're awfully eager for me to get together with some random guy. That's how I know. People don't want me around, they just want to cart me off to the next stooge."

Kyle's hand paused in it's motion.

And then continued, a stuttered and nervous movement.

"I'm eager for you to be happy. You deserve that."

Kenny didn't respond and just sniffled miserably.

"Hey, Kenny?"

"What?"

"Why did Karen call us boyfriends?"

"Uhh... dunno, she's weird. I don't know where she gets her ideas. She's crazy actually, wow, it all makes sense now. Yep. Crazy McCormick child. I'll have to get her some help or something."

"Uh-huh." Kyle indulged.

"Hey, Kyle?"

"Hm?"

"...why'd Ike call us boyfriends?"

"Crazy kid, you know how it is."

"Oh..."

"So you're, uh, committed to this crush of yours?" Kyle pressed.

"Uh... yeah, sorta, I just... didn't really feel like it I guess. I mean, I know I don't stand a chance but I don't really want to do stuff with someone while thinking of someone else?"

"Kenny, promise not to get mad?"

"...I hesitantly promise."

"That's pretty fucking vanilla."

Kenny whined, "Can I break my promise, please? I want to end our friendship. How could you."

"No can do. I like vanilla."

"...really...?" Kenny's voice was awfully small.

"Yeah."

"Oh. Cool."

They were quiet for a long time.

"Do you... uh," Kenny began, awkwardly, "Have anyone you like?"

"Maybe. I'll tell you if you tell me."

Kenny pouted, "That's not fair..."

Kyle only hummed in response.

**Author's Note:**

> lmfao this was just supposed to be a page????? I just wanted to break Kenny's brain real quick but then i had to k2... //sigh  
> I have a problem XD sorry for the stupidity of this  
> i swear im working on other better things... i just wanted to write trashy crack for a bit instead XD


End file.
